well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
