You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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