I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
