Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
