i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
