just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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