So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
