I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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