to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
