Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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