There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
