my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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