Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
