Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
