every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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