a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
