The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
