Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
