I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
