like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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