It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
