I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
