very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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