You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
