What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
