wanna go halves on a baby?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He felt like a one man threesome
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize