Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
