Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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