Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
