I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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