I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
