I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
