You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
COCAINE IS GR8
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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