there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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