I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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