It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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