nut hugger
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
