i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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