so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
