I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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