It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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