I cannot find my penis.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
