She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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