I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
