Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
