I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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