im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My bed smells like the plague
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize