I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
