Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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