can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
