just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
