This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
