Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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