I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You made out with two different species that night
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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