Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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