I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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