a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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