her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
