woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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