I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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